When I Lose the Battle, But Not the War

It’s no secret that running has been a struggle for me ever since my most recent knee surgery. No, not because of my knee, but because of my heart. My small heart issue makes cardio difficult. When I condition my heart to get used to cardio again I won’t have as many heart issues because it will be ready for cardio at any time. As of right now, it tires easily. Taking a few months off to recover from surgery really did me in. I just have to fight my way back, as always.

With my lack of cardio has come a few things…
1. Huge gains in the gym
2. Huge gains on the scale

And before I hear that it could be a lot of muscle weight…it’s not. It’s just stupid weight gain.
I don’t like how I look right now. I know I look better than I did by far, but I also know that I’m not giving this my all. I’ve done this to myself. I overate during Mercy Health Glass City Marathon training, I had knee surgery #6 and then I’ve just been eating everything in sight since then. Okay, I haven’t been that bad at all, but there are days where it feels like it.2016-08-14 00.17.27
I haven’t been amazing with my diet and I’m trying my best to not get into the cycle where I’m sad about my diet so I eat a bunch of shit to make me feel better, making me feel worse. My workouts have been on point in the gym and only so so with running (due to the heart), but it’s the eating that is crippling any progress I have. I eat like a champ during the day because I take my food to work with me. I eat like I’ve never seen food before at night because that’s where all of the food lives! One issue is that since I live alone, if I buy something I am the only one there to eat it. And then I do. When you exercise a lot you can NOT eat whatever the hell you want and look fabulous. Okay, certain freaks of nature who are lucky af can do this, but not me. With being only 5′, every single pound shows. A lot.2016-08-14 00.07.51

I read this from my friend and Mercy Health Glass City Marathon race Ambassador, Dean at Running in the Fat Lane, and it completely hit home for me. I am obsessing about all of the bad things and not noticing many of the good ones.
I need to remember I am lucky I can run after 6 knee surgeries.
I need to remember that I am lucky I am run with this stupid heart ish.
I need to remember that I am lifting heavier than ever and making gains all over the place.
I need to remember where I started (150 pounds).
I need to remember my ultimate goal – where I was just under a year ago (110 pounds).
I need to remember that where I am right now isn’t the end of the world (120 pounds).
Hear that Amanda – NOT the end of the world.
I am not lean anymore, I have my trusty protective coating for my new gains and since I’m feeling bad about that, I’m eating more. I need to take it easy on myself. I need to get back on track.
I need to do this for me and my mental health, just as much as my physical health.

2016-08-14 00.19.03

Comments

  1. I think a lot of us go through these lousy phases, for whatever reason. The great thing is that you have hung out for a while and now you’re ready to get out of it. I was in a lousy phase recently and I get it. I love that you are starting to see the things you *are* doing well. And I learned we have one more thing in common: our height 😀
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