Late Sunday Thoughts, How I Really Feel

Ah, where do I start. I have eaten myself into a Little Debbie coma tonight. I’m not proud of it, but it happened. When I am alone I mindlessly eat and I have not eaten with purpose all day. I have eaten everything and anything I wanted. I have let myself eat everything for some time now.  I thought that I could limit myself from binging without counting calories and I failed at that miserably. You would think that my gaining weight would be a huge indicator that eating without counting calories wasn’t working with me.

I have gone through such a weight roller coaster over the past year. I have been as high as 146 pounds, I have been as low as 120 pounds. As of today I weigh 126. Not a horrible weight by any means, not at all. My goal weight range is between 110-115. And if I am lucky enough to join a gym and start weight training, then my goal weight range would be between 115-120. I am incredibly sick of the yo-yo weight every day, every week, every month. I have not weighed myself in over a month because I am so sick of seeing such drastically different numbers.

I lost over 20 pounds over the fall and early winter by eating at my daily calorie goal, and letting myself splurge once or twice each week. I was very mindful of what I was eating and it worked. I am going to get back to that place. I am going to be aware of what I am putting into my body. I am going to make a point to eat as clean as possible. I am going to make this work. I have to make this work.

I am so sick of things jiggling on my body. I am so sick of constantly worrying about if my clothes will fit each day. I am so sick of having to worry about all of this.  I know that it is something I will have to deal with for the rest of my life, eating is one of the core pillars for survival in life. I have had periods of minor eating disorders. I have overcome them for the most part, but they are always there. There have been times of struggle, times where I was too embarrassed to even let my own husband near my body. I know that I wrap up almost all of my self-worth in my weight and how I look. I wrap up the rest of my self-worth in what other people, people close to me, think of me. I need to start thinking about my self-worth from a different point of view. I need to be on my own side, no one can make me feel better but me.

For the past 8 years I have not liked how I look. I have hated my weight, I have hated my body, I have hated how I look. I hate that I have let this go on for 8 years. I am sick of hating things about  myself. I won’t even let my best friends or my husband compliment any part of my body. I shrug it off, change the subject and generally negate anything they say.

I need to change and I am the only one who can do it.
I have to focus on myself, for my own well being.
Body confidence.

Comments

  1. First, I have to tell you that I think you are an amazingly beautiful person, both inside & out. But I want to tell you, too, that you are definitely not alone. I have the same issues–all of them (except mine is a lot longer than 8 years in the making).

    I’m sure this doesn’t help, but I just wanted to let you know that you aren’t alone & I’m here for you. And I think you are smokin hot already 😉

    • Thank you, Amy. I know you have struggled with the same things that I have and you have overcome SO much just in the last two years.
      I just need to get a handle on myself.

  2. I’m sorry you are feeling this way. The body image demons are hard ones to confront and conquer. Sending you lots of love and strength on this journey, but know that you are beautiful and strong and worthy of compliments and love.

  3. UGH, I hear you on this. I want to lose 5 pounds and it’s the hardest thing, ever. It’s 100% food and I really need to get serious. I’m just a snacker and that’s where the extra cals come in. I have 4 weeks to lose 5 pounds. Totally doable but it’s going to take a lot, too. Alcohol is a tough one, as well. EEK!

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