Ah, where do I start. I have eaten myself into a Little Debbie coma tonight. I’m not proud of it, but it happened. When I am alone I mindlessly eat and I have not eaten with purpose all day. I have eaten everything and anything I wanted. I have let myself eat everything for some time now. I thought that I could limit myself from binging without counting calories and I failed at that miserably. You would think that my gaining weight would be a huge indicator that eating without counting calories wasn’t working with me.
I have gone through such a weight roller coaster over the past year. I have been as high as 146 pounds, I have been as low as 120 pounds. As of today I weigh 126. Not a horrible weight by any means, not at all. My goal weight range is between 110-115. And if I am lucky enough to join a gym and start weight training, then my goal weight range would be between 115-120. I am incredibly sick of the yo-yo weight every day, every week, every month. I have not weighed myself in over a month because I am so sick of seeing such drastically different numbers.
I lost over 20 pounds over the fall and early winter by eating at my daily calorie goal, and letting myself splurge once or twice each week. I was very mindful of what I was eating and it worked. I am going to get back to that place. I am going to be aware of what I am putting into my body. I am going to make a point to eat as clean as possible. I am going to make this work. I have to make this work.
I am so sick of things jiggling on my body. I am so sick of constantly worrying about if my clothes will fit each day. I am so sick of having to worry about all of this. I know that it is something I will have to deal with for the rest of my life, eating is one of the core pillars for survival in life. I have had periods of minor eating disorders. I have overcome them for the most part, but they are always there. There have been times of struggle, times where I was too embarrassed to even let my own husband near my body. I know that I wrap up almost all of my self-worth in my weight and how I look. I wrap up the rest of my self-worth in what other people, people close to me, think of me. I need to start thinking about my self-worth from a different point of view. I need to be on my own side, no one can make me feel better but me.
For the past 8 years I have not liked how I look. I have hated my weight, I have hated my body, I have hated how I look. I hate that I have let this go on for 8 years. I am sick of hating things about myself. I won’t even let my best friends or my husband compliment any part of my body. I shrug it off, change the subject and generally negate anything they say.
I need to change and I am the only one who can do it.
I have to focus on myself, for my own well being.