where it gets REALLY real in here

The American society as a whole has certain stereotypes about different genders, races, ethnicities, people with a sexual orientation that is different than their own and medical issues that are not ‘normal’.

Some people are cheap.
Some like to eat certain kinds of foods.
Some like to live in different areas of town.
Some people dress differently.
Some people eat broccoli and asparagus for every meal and like to launder money to communists who hate puppies.

Okay.  I made up that last one.  But I am sure it could be true, who knows.

In the past 4 months I have had issues with my medication to help me control my depression.  I saw a psychologist for a short time but felt that I needed someone who could help me with my meds and my crazy all at the same time.  Enter new doctor.  The first meeting with new doctor was a huge brain fuck to me.  This simple 45 minute talk opened my eyes to who I really am.

My name is Amanda Schwartz, and I suffer from bi-polar disorder.

Yup.  If you would have told me this 10 years ago, 5 years ago, hell even last year I would have never believed you.  Bi-polar means you are bat shit crazy and you probably eat dog feces while singing La Bamba and running outside in your underwear.  But after talking with new doctor I learned that bi-polar isn’t a strict set of symptoms, there are multiple ways you can suffer from this disorder.

I don’t have the traditional symptoms of the manic side of bi-polar. Traditional symptoms include: sleeping very little, mile a minute talking, feeling a ‘high’.  These all lead to the possibility to some dangerous decisions because you feel invincible and like nothing could bring you down.
My symptoms are much different but just as serious I’m told: my mind tends to fixate on something until I buy it, get it or have it, my ‘high’ leaves me feeling productive and underwhelmed, jittery, bored, extremely impulsive.

For over 14 years I have had a very quick jump to anger, even when I am happy and in a good situation.  When I say anger I mean, throw things at my brothers head (sorry bub), kick holes in walls, punch and hit, say things I don’t mean.  Then in a matter of minutes I am perfectly happy and ready to move on from the anger I just evoked on my family or friends.

I often shy away from getting close to too many people because I seem to find a way to scare them out of my life.  Friends are few and far between in my world. Honestly, I am so surprised that Jeff has stayed with me through some rough ups and downs.

It has only been a couple of weeks since I learned this information about myself and I am constantly seeing new quirks, actions and reactions that are considered bi-polar. And holy fuck has this really opened up my eyes.

I am truly hopeful that I can work with my new doctor to create a balance in my head that will translate to my life as a whole.
Or  I’ll have to go buy some vegetables and meet some communists…and like I said, I’m not all that great at making new friends.

Want to read more about bi-polar disorder?  Here you go.  Hope you understand that I’m not entirely crazy, only slightly.


  1. I’m so glad you’ve figured out what’s going on. Hopefully you start feeling better quickly!

  2. I am so proud to “know” you. So many people refuse to talk openly and honestly about mental illness. I hope the doctor has established a good treatment plan and you start feeling better soon!

  3. hope that knowing what you are dealing with helps you get to a better place. 🙂

  4. Lil John and myself are here for you if you need to talk or just drink a beer, margie or whatever. Love you !

  5. Girl- I am with ya on all of that! I haven’t been diagnosed with that, but close behind it. Hence, why we are FRIENDS and have been for many many years! I have very few friends too…but we only need each other! as far as anger….ask chip! I am a nut too. We will crazies together. Crazies for life! Xoxo

  6. No matter the diagnosis you are a good person with a heart of gold. I am happy you have found a person that will help you enjoy your life more. You know where I am if you need me 😉 love you.

  7. Thanks for posting this, Amanda. I think it takes strength to talk about things likr this and helps you work through everything if you can talk about it. I hope this new doc will be helpful. You are an amazing woman 🙂

  8. I’m glad you are getting the answers you deserve. Lot’s of healing vibes sent your way!

  9. You are a brave woman for sharing so honestly. Your ability to talk openly about bi-polar disorder helps to take away the stigma from issues with mental health. You are an inspiration.

  10. Just wanted to say I love you sweetie!! I love how honest you are. You best not keep me out sista, hell I work in the mental health field if there is anyone that can deal, ummm it would be me! We need to go out for coffee and coke (that would be the drink) sometime!!

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